


The Conundrum of the Annual Valentine's Day Dance

by bluemandycat



Category: Archvillain Series - Barry Lyga
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Sarcasm, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-18 04:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5897779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemandycat/pseuds/bluemandycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike needs to figure out who he should take to the Valentine's Day dance, and Kyle helps him out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Problem Arises

**Author's Note:**

> In which I finally try to tackle a multi-chapter. Lmao. I'm very new at this.

“MICHAEL MATTHEWS, I AM MAD AT YOU!” yelled a voice from down the hall.

 

Mike had about 3 seconds to react before the Kyle-bomb slammed into him. Luckily, Mike had 3 years of friendship with Kyle under his belt, and was able to grab him and hold him against his body to immobilize the smaller boy.

 

“Hey!” Kyle yelled, slightly muffled by Mike’s hoodie. He wriggled out of Mike’s grasp. “As much as I love our little _hug-fests_ ,” his voice dripped with sarcasm, “we have bigger things to worry about. Namely, me being mad at you.”

 

“Okay,” said Mike, deciding to humor him. “What are you mad at me about?”

 

“It may or may not have slipped your mind,” said Kyle, looking peeved, as if he knew that Mike wasn’t really taking him seriously, “But today is February 1. Do you know what happens in two weeks?”

 

“Uhh, Valentine’s Day?” asked Mike, wondering if this was a rhetorical question.

 

Thankfully, it wasn’t, and Kyle looked relieved that Mike was at least semi-clued in to this humongous problem, whatever it was. “Yes, Valentine’s Day. And on Valentine’s Day, there’s the Valentine’s Day dance. And it’s two weeks before the Valentine’s Day dance, and you haven’t announced who you’re going to go with yet!”

 

Mike shrugged. “It’s two weeks. I’ve got plenty of time.”

 

Kyle laughed sarcastically. “Oh no you don’t, mister. All those girls that want to go with you have some secret pact that involve not mentioning it to you so they don’t ‘sway your vote’ or whatever. But that doesn’t stop them from asking me whom you’re going to ask out. I swear I’ve been stopped 10 times since I got here this morning just so I can be asked is Mighty Mike dating anyone and do I have any idea who he’s going to pick!” Kyle lowered his voice, as if he was self conscious of the pitch he’d been yelling at. “They’re bugging Mairi, too, but she’s too nice to actually mention it to you.”

 

Mike grinned down at the smaller boy. “So what are you saying? That you’re not nice?” Before Kyle could reply to the jest, he said, “It’s no big deal, I’ll just go stag.”

 

Kyle shook his head. “Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Remember what happened the last time you went stag? People were literally hitting each other when it came time for the slow dance. No going stag.”

 

Mike grimaced. Okay, maybe going stag wasn’t the best idea. He weighed his options. “Okay, then, I’ll take Mairi.” Mairi was one of his best friends. They’d done this before. She’d be fine with it.

 

Kyle smiled bitterly and said, “Can’t. Mairi has a date.”

 

“With who?” Mike couldn’t believe it. Just his luck.

 

“You know that boy Luke? Jock, almost as bulky as you?” said Kyle.

 

“When did this happen?” Mike’s head spun. Good for Mairi, but not so good for him.

 

“Like, three days ago. She says he asked her out by passing her a note in class.”

 

“How romantic.” Well, that would explain why he hadn’t heard about it until now.

 

“Was that sarcasm I detected? Didn’t think you were capable of it,” said Kyle, sarcastically. “But, yeah. You can’t cop out of this by asking Mairi as a friend.”

 

“Oh, _crap_ ,” Mike said as it really sunk in how screwed he was.

 

“Yeah. You have two weeks to figure this one out, lover boy.” Kyle turned to leave. “I have to get to class.”

 

“Wait, Kyle.” Mike grabbed his shoulder before he could walk away. “Come over to my house after school today and we’ll figure this out.” Kyle gave him an _are you serious?_ look. “Please?” asked Mike, almost begging.

 

“Ugh, fine,” said Kyle. “But I’m still mad at you.”

 

“Have fun in science! I’ll see you in P.E.!” Before Kyle could walk away, Mike hugged him quickly.

 

“Love you too, man,” said Kyle, after he wriggled out of Mike’s grasp. “See ya.”

 

Mike waved after him. He had roughly 3 hours to consider whom he wanted to take, so he would be able to give Kyle some kind of estimate. He groaned. This was going to be hard.

 


	2. They Assess the Situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I finally update this, in time for Valentine's Day.

            Mike had gotten everything ready before Kyle walked through the door to Mike’s bedroom. He had set out colorful pens and highlighters, and had moved Kyle’s blue beanbag and his yellow one to the middle of the room, leaving Mairi’s red beanbag and the currently undesignated green beanbag in the corner. He had even set out a bowl of salt and vinegar potato chips with the snacks, which Mike didn’t even _like_ , but he bought specifically for when Kyle came over. Everything looked perfect.

 

            He just hoped that the state of his room would distract Kyle from the fact that he hadn’t drawn any sort of conclusion about who he was going to take to the dance whatsoever.

 

            Kyle walked into his room, dumped his backpack on the floor, and flopped down on the blue beanbag without so much as a hello.

 

            “Hello,” said Mike. “How did you get in? My parents aren’t home.”

 

            Kyle dropped a key into his hands. “I know where you hide the spare key.” Mike made a mental note to find a new hiding spot for the key, and also to never get on Kyle’s bad side. Kyle grabbed a chip from the bowl. “Oooh, my favorite. Nice touch,” he said, before taking a bite of the chip.

 

            “So does this mean that I’m out of the doghouse?” asked Mike.

 

            Kyle considered it for a second. “Mmmm, no,” he said, and popped another chip into his mouth.

 

            Mike tried again. “C’mon, Ky, you can’t be mad at me for something that’s not even really my fault!”

 

            Kyle smirked. “Since when has that ever stopped me?”

 

            Mike rolled his eyes. “Okay, but we’re not twelve anymore.”

 

            This prompted a punch from Kyle, to which Mike replied, “Your punches hurt more when we were twelve, too,” which earned him another punch and a sulky look from Kyle.

 

            “You know, this isn’t exactly helping fix the problem,” said Kyle, retreating back into his beanbag. _Darn it_ , thought Mike. He was hoping he could put it off a little longer.

 

            But it was too late, and Kyle was already pulling out his blue notebook that he guarded so fiercely (Mike had stolen his notebook once, just to see what was in it, but he couldn’t make heads or tails of it, as half of it was in some kind of code and the other half was blueprints and complicated science jargon). He flipped to a page, which was thankfully not in code. “Okay,” said Kyle. “I’ve compiled a list of all the girls in the school who are going to the dance, don’t have dates, and are attracted to you. These are the girls that you can choose from.”

 

            “How many girls are there?” asked Mike, almost afraid to ask.

 

            “Sixty-four in all,” said Kyle.

 

            Mike could scarcely believe it. “Sixty-four? Really? You’re lying. There is no way that many girls are attracted to me.”

 

            “Actually, there are more girls that are attracted to you, these are just the ones in our school who are going to the dance and don’t have dates.”

 

            “Why would that many girls be attracted to me?”

 

            Kyle gave him an _are you kidding?_ look. “Please. You’re a hot superhero with blonde hair and blue eyes and the strictest moral compass I’ve ever interacted with. It’s a wonder there aren’t more.”

 

            Mike grinned. “You just called me hot.”

 

            Kyle blinked slowly, and then, as if realizing what he had said, waved his arms around in an effort to dismiss it. “So? It’s just an objective fact! I’m allowed to comment on your aesthetic appeal without necessarily being attracted to you! And anyway, it’s not like I’m alone in the thought. Lots of people think you’re hot!”

 

            Mike’s grin got bigger. “I can’t believe this. Kyle Camden thinks I’m hot. Kyle Camden, the 5 foot 6 honor student who once cried in class because he got a D on a quiz, thinks that I, Mike Matthews, the 6 foot 4 superhero football player, am a hot piece of ass.”

 

            Kyle blushed angrily. “I didn’t phrase it like that,” he said, avoiding eye contact.

 

            Mike continued. “I want to shout it to the world! Kyle Camden thinks I’m hot!” he yelled, knowing full well that nobody was in the house besides the two of them.

 

            Evidently Kyle took this as a sign of war, because he shoved his notebook into Mike’s hands and said, “Let’s get back to the task at hand. Do you have a crush that you want to ask out?”

 

            Mike snorted. “Trust me, if there was a girl that I liked, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

 

            Kyle grinned a wicked grin. “Then I guess we’ll just have to go down the list one…by…one. What are your thoughts on Danika?”

 

            Mike shot him a dirty look. This was going to take _forever_.

 

            Half an hour later, surprise surprise, they had made no headway. Mike lounged back in his beanbag, tired and bored. Kyle showed no signs of stopping, though.

 

            “Okay, so Katherine’s a maybe, then,” he said, and crossed a name out in his notebook. “So what do you think of—”

 

            “I’m so bored. This isn’t helping,” Mike said, interrupting him.

 

            “Well, we can’t just stop,” said Kyle, putting his pen down. “Unless you’ve made a decision.”

 

            Mike groaned. “No, I haven’t.” Then an idea struck. “Who are you taking? I can take her best friend and we can double-date.”

 

            Kyle laughed. “You must be joking. I am going nowhere near that dance.”

 

            Mike couldn’t believe it. “Unfair! How come you get to stay home, but not me?”

 

            “Because I’m not ‘the sweetheart of the town’,” Kyle said in a sugary-sweet voice.

 

            “No, but you’re Erasmus, sidekick to ‘the sweetheart of the town’,” Mike countered.

 

            “And also, I believe in something called a secret identity.”

 

            “You’re the worst,” said Mike. But an idea had struck, and like most of his ideas, he voiced it without thinking. “Problem solved. You go to the dance with me.”

 

            Kyle looked shocked. Mike wondered why. It was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. “I can’t do that!” he yelled.

 

            “Why not? You’re free,” said Mike.

 

            “Yeah, I don’t know if it ever came up, but we’re both guys. So, there’s that,” said Kyle, sarcastically.

 

            “Who cares?” asked Mike.

 

            “I do! Is this just because I called you hot earlier?”

 

            “No!” Mike paused. “Ok, kinda. But why do you care so much?” A thought occurred. “Wait, dude, are you gay?”

 

            “What! Where did this come from? Where did you get that idea from?” Kyle yelped.

 

            “Okay, okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

 

            Kyle balled his fists up and stared down at the ground. Mike wondered what he was thinking. “I’m bi,” he said quietly.

 

            “You’re bi? Cool. What’s the problem, then?”

 

            “You might not care about everybody knowing your date is a boy, but I have no interest in outing myself.”

 

            “Okay, okay! If you didn’t want to then—” Mike started to say.

 

            “It’s not that I don’t want to—“ Kyle said at the exact same time. They both stopped, and stared at each other, waiting for the other to go first.

 

            “Like I was saying, it’s not that I don’t want to,” said Kyle. “I’m just worried about what my parents would say. I don’t know if you noticed, but Bouring isn’t exactly the most gay-friendly town.”

 

            “Believe me, I’ve noticed,” Mike muttered. “Well, okay, if you can’t go as Kyle Camden, what about…,” he trailed off.

 

            “What about what?” Kyle leaned forward.

 

            “What about you going as Erasmus?”

 

            “Excuse me?”

 

            “Think about it! You can sew a hood that looks like your Erasmus hood, and wear that and your mask with a suit, and I’ll wear my cape and mask too, and that way you can go as my date and keep your identity protected! There’s no downside!”

 

            “Oh, there’s no way that can fail,” muttered Kyle sarcastically, but he looked interested. “I don’t even have a suit.”

 

            “I’ll get you a suit. You’ll need one with a hood on it anyways, because after this you’re coming with me to all the Hollywood premieres and news interviews whether you like it or not.”

 

            “Wait, really? I thought you were a ‘lone hero’ at those things,” Kyle frowned.

 

            “Are you kidding? Nine out of ten times, I get lonely. Nobody actually wants to talk to me. And you’re my partner, so you have a reason to come.”

 

            “Wow, I never thought I’d see the day Mighty Mike would share his stardom,” Kyle said, but a smile tugged at his lips. He was clearly considering it. Now for the final blow.

 

            Mike jumped up and walked over to his closet, and threw it open. He rummaged around in his drawers until he found his yellow domino mask, and a spare black domino mask of Kyle’s, which he liked to have spares of, on the off chance that parts of Kyle’s costume were destroyed by corrosive acid or stolen by a particularly weird supervillain (both had happened before, surprisingly enough). He tossed the black mask to Kyle, and put the yellow mask on. Kyle did the same, looking a little confused.

 

            “Erasmus, my sidekick, would you do me the honor of going to the Valentine’s Day dance with me?” said Mike, extending a hand.

 

            Kyle looked like he was repressing a laugh. “What’s in it for me?”

 

            “A chance to get attention and tell superhero stories and also to dance with me.” Kyle hesitated. “Jeez, Ky, it’s only as friends,” Mike said, shrugging.

 

            Kyle’s expression changed for a fraction of a second, but then he grinned and took his hand, standing up. “Okay, I’ll go with you,” he said. “But I’m telling the story about that time the Mad Mask decided to build a ‘Valentine’s Ray.’”

 

            “What? No! That was embarrassing. For both of us. Why would you even want to bring that up again? I thought we had agreed to forget that.”

 

            Kyle sniggered. “More embarrassing for you than for me. And I’m telling the story whether you like it or not. It’s funny.”

 

            “Ugh,” Mike groaned, knowing that he probably couldn’t stop Kyle if he wanted to keep his date. “Fine, you win. Not my problem if someone takes it the wrong way.”

 

            “If they do, it’s their problem, not mine.” Kyle peeled off the mask. “Now that we’ve gotten this all figured out, wanna talk general superhero strategy? Mad Mask hasn’t peeped in a while, so my guess is he’s plotting something big.” He smiled a tiny bit. “Always helps to stay on top. Wouldn’t want a repeat of last Valentine’s Day.”

 

            Mike covered his face. “I thought we had agreed to forget that!” Twice in one afternoon? Kyle was purposely tormenting him, now, knowing that he couldn’t call him out for it. He peeled off his own mask, too, and plopped down to work, already going over what he was going to tell everyone who asked him who his date was in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like always, comments/kudos/constructive criticism appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/kudos appreciated! Hmu on tumblr at @archvillain-fandom for more content like this!


End file.
